Fearful Avoidant Commitment Phobia: What it is and how to deal with it (2023)

Introduction

In this video, Coach Courtney Gatlin talks about fearful avoidants and commitment phobia. #fearfulavoidant #coachcourt #ambivalence
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🟢 Related videos:
Anxious Attachment Healing: youtu.be/w2Yuy7VI8_c
Going no contact with a dismissive avoidant: www.youtube.com/watch
Dismissive avoidant breakups: www.youtube.com/watch

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Content

Hey, what's going on my beautiful people, this is certified life and relationship coach, coach court.

In today's video, I want to talk to you guys about the fearful, avoidant and commitment phobia.

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Thank you guys in today's video.

I want to talk to you guys about the fearful avoidance and commitment phobia, and the reason that I want to talk about this.

Video is because around the holidays, I'm starting to see more fearful avoidance become triggered, and I don't know if it's because of their subconscious wounds and I'm going to go ahead and give you guys a disclaimer.

Of course, I'm not a therapist, I'm not a counselor.

This information is purely for informational use.

Only these are things that I've experienced myself and from people that I've worked with.

This is not to be replaced for counseling or therapy.

If you need that, please go ahead and find those avenues or seek those avenues, so you guys can get the help that you you really do need.

I think counseling and therapy is very important.

I want to talk about this because around the holidays, the fearful avoidance are becoming very deregulated.

I'm seeing more and more people reach out to me who said that they have taken the test.

They identified themselves as fearful avoidance, and I think it has something to do with some of the traumas that they've experienced early on in childhood.

But I went ahead and wrote a quote on instagram and I I think where they have it right, is they um? They are very selective about the people that they decide to get into a relationship with which is important.

I think you should vet people properly.

The quote goes I'm on instagram and I'm gonna quote is um I'm on instagram.

My account is, I am coach court.

Some traumas are self-inflicted.

We tend to put more effort into picking the type of car we'll buy than who we'll spend the rest of our life with that's got to change.

This is one thing that they have nailed down, but it can get to the extreme where they won't be able to show up and be present in their relationship because they're so fixated on, not getting it wrong they're fixated on, and this has something to do with careers too.

I got I have a.

I have a list here bullet points for today, because I want to make this a valuable video um.

They even show up the same way in their careers.

If they decide to have kids, you know in any any of those areas in life.

They really struggle to be locked down or committed to something long term.

Now this may not be for everyone, and I know you guys may be in the comments section and if you guys are agree with that comment down below, you may be in the comment section disagreeing, but that's okay from my experience, my perception and the things that I've experienced as far as coaching and my own personal life.

What I see for the fearful, avoiding people and like career paths, is they choose jobs that are more flexible? It has a lot of variety, they may be um, you know unconventional jobs, jobs that aren't like sit in your office or sit in a factory or the factory jobs could be temporary, but after a while they just feel like a caged animal and they need to get out, and they always have this this.

This thought in the back of their mind, am I making the wrong choice? Am I um not in the right career path, you'll see them more like entrepreneurs, uh baristas or people who travel a lot photographers job jobs along those paths.

So when you um think about the fearful avoiding getting into a relationship, they're gonna have the same type of reservations, about doing making the right choice, and this is all going back with their subconscious programming.

During the developmental stages, they weren't showing consistency.

They were probably in really toxic and unhealthy environments.

Now this isn't this isn't 100.

This is just kind of what I've seen as far as people that I've worked with who identifies themselves as fearful avoidance as far as women that I've worked with, that are fearful avoidance.

Some of the patterns that I've seen is.

They have come from relationships that were either unhealthy where they were habitually cheated on.

It was toxic um.

They may have a a couple different babies, fathers that they thought the relationships were going to work out and go the distance, and it ended up not working out because either trust was broken or uh.

The guy may have been narcissistic or they may have been raised by parents that were narcissistic and they have a hard time.

Trusting someone in the future.

They have a hard time, settling down or and making that um.

That commitment last a long time, they're so used to not being able to trust people and being ambivalent because of the the type of experiences that they've had in the past.

Now, what I usually try to tell them is to just give these people chances.

You know follow the 90-day rule that I talk about a lot, because what I see was what I see often is a lot of those those people have identified themselves as being anxious preoccupied in the past, where they really latch on to their guy and they really kind of engulf that person.

But after a while the relationship end up turning toxic, they end up getting pushed away or they end up.

You know kind of sabotaging the relationship so moving forward, and I see this more around women that are, you know, mid 30s, early 30s or just pushing their 30s.

They start to to kind of get this feeling, as if I'll never find that person that I can trust and I can fully be vulnerable with so what happens? Is they they end up not being able to be present and um when the relationship looks like it's about to go somewhere and it looks like this person is going to be a healthy option for them, and I see this all the time in the comments section from the women that comment on my fearful, avoiding videos, they end up imploding, their relationship or either pulling away taking time taking space for themselves.

I just saw somebody post about that on instagram too, where they said that they have the ability to just ghost on someone and then reappearing back in their lives and that's pretty much the fearful of what an experience.

Now when it comes to the men, I see a lot of men struggle because they also had some trust issues.

Some violations in the past or as a kid they may have felt like they were emasculated by one of the parents around the house or one of the other parents may have been not around, especially that guys that didn't have their father figure around didn't have someone to show them.

You know what healthy looked like around the house: that it was, it wasn't really balanced out.

You know maybe a lot of different traumas.

They may have been abused now.

This is some of the patterns I've seen from the guys that show up as fearful avoidance and for the ones that you know were anxious preoccupied men in the past.

They end up turning into guys that just um they start to lose trust in women and they end up turning into players.

You know there's a concept that they talk about in the manosphere that talks about spinning plates and they end up doing that after they were someone who may have been a very anxious person and now they're, fearful and in a way that they they um.

They combat that that being vulnerable and being taken advantage of, because you see this all the time when, when women leave and they go in monkey branch or they end up getting into a rebound with someone else, they struggle to sit with that as far as their ego and what they meant to that person.

So that's kind of like a reaction to that.

They end up spinning the plates like they talk about and what they look like to me is guys that are becoming more fearful, avoiding because they just don't want to make that commitment and find themselves in a situation where they have their heart torn in pieces, and what I learned is a lot of those guys.

They have a hard time um recovering from that breakup.

Their breakup is really detrimental for men, because I feel they have the hardest time getting over those breakups women um the fearful, avoiding women, sure they don't have a problem finding.

You know potential guys and it's just a really tough experience for every single one of them.

So what I recommend for them to do use is to make sure that you find yourself a good therapist that understands attachment theory or a good counselor.

That's going to help.

You uproot some of that negative gunk that you had wired into you, because our experiences is exactly how we tend to show up.

So people go into these situations, thinking that they have.

You know the best intentions in mind, but you have to understand that a lot of the things that you do and the things that you say and the way you operate is ran by your subconscious, mind which is responsible for at least 95 percent of the way you operate.

So you can try to five percent your way into you know making this commitment, work or uh.

You know promising this person, something that you know subconsciously.

You really can't do because you're still terrified of you know making that commitment and being able to show up in a way that that person doesn't want to leave you.

So if you found this video of any value, please go ahead and click.

This link right here, where I talk about what happens when you go no contact with the fearful avoidant and you go ahead and like comment subscribe to the channel, if you haven't done so already and if you're not following me on my other social media accounts twitter instagram facebook is, I am coach court.

Thank you guys, and I will talk to you soon.