Fearful Avoidant Commitment Phobia: What it is and how to deal with it (2023)


In this video, Coach Courtney Gatlin talks about fearful avoidants and commitment phobia. #fearfulavoidant #coachcourt #ambivalence

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Hey, what's going on my beautiful people, this is certified life and relationship coach, coach court.

In today's video, I want to talk to you guys about the fearful, avoidant and commitment phobia.

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Thank you guys in today's video.

I want to talk to you guys about the fearful avoidance and commitment phobia, and the reason that I want to talk about this.

Video is because around the holidays, I'm starting to see more fearful avoidance become triggered, and I don't know if it's because of their subconscious wounds and I'm going to go ahead and give you guys a disclaimer.

Of course, I'm not a therapist, I'm not a counselor.

This information is purely for informational use.

Only these are things that I've experienced myself and from people that I've worked with.

This is not to be replaced for counseling or therapy.

If you need that, please go ahead and find those avenues or seek those avenues, so you guys can get the help that you you really do need.

I think counseling and therapy is very important.

I want to talk about this because around the holidays, the fearful avoidance are becoming very deregulated.

I'm seeing more and more people reach out to me who said that they have taken the test.

They identified themselves as fearful avoidance, and I think it has something to do with some of the traumas that they've experienced early on in childhood.

But I went ahead and wrote a quote on instagram and I I think where they have it right, is they um? They are very selective about the people that they decide to get into a relationship with which is important.

I think you should vet people properly.

The quote goes I'm on instagram and I'm gonna quote is um I'm on instagram.

My account is, I am coach court.

Some traumas are self-inflicted.

We tend to put more effort into picking the type of car we'll buy than who we'll spend the rest of our life with that's got to change.

This is one thing that they have nailed down, but it can get to the extreme where they won't be able to show up and be present in their relationship because they're so fixated on, not getting it wrong they're fixated on, and this has something to do with careers too.

I got I have a.

I have a list here bullet points for today, because I want to make this a valuable video um.

They even show up the same way in their careers.

If they decide to have kids, you know in any any of those areas in life.

They really struggle to be locked down or committed to something long term.

Now this may not be for everyone, and I know you guys may be in the comments section and if you guys are agree with that comment down below, you may be in the comment section disagreeing, but that's okay from my experience, my perception and the things that I've experienced as far as coaching and my own personal life.

What I see for the fearful, avoiding people and like career paths, is they choose jobs that are more flexible? It has a lot of variety, they may be um, you know unconventional jobs, jobs that aren't like sit in your office or sit in a factory or the factory jobs could be temporary, but after a while they just feel like a caged animal and they need to get out, and they always have this this.

This thought in the back of their mind, am I making the wrong choice? Am I um not in the right career path, you'll see them more like entrepreneurs, uh baristas or people who travel a lot photographers job jobs along those paths.

So when you um think about the fearful avoiding getting into a relationship, they're gonna have the same type of reservations, about doing making the right choice, and this is all going back with their subconscious programming.

During the developmental stages, they weren't showing consistency.

They were probably in really toxic and unhealthy environments.

Now this isn't this isn't 100.

This is just kind of what I've seen as far as people that I've worked with who identifies themselves as fearful avoidance as far as women that I've worked with, that are fearful avoidance.

Some of the patterns that I've seen is.

They have come from relationships that were either unhealthy where they were habitually cheated on.

It was toxic um.

They may have a a couple different babies, fathers that they thought the relationships were going to work out and go the distance, and it ended up not working out because either trust was broken or uh.

The guy may have been narcissistic or they may have been raised by parents that were narcissistic and they have a hard time.

Trusting someone in the future.

They have a hard time, settling down or and making that um.

That commitment last a long time, they're so used to not being able to trust people and being ambivalent because of the the type of experiences that they've had in the past.

Now, what I usually try to tell them is to just give these people chances.

You know follow the 90-day rule that I talk about a lot, because what I see was what I see often is a lot of those those people have identified themselves as being anxious preoccupied in the past, where they really latch on to their guy and they really kind of engulf that person.

But after a while the relationship end up turning toxic, they end up getting pushed away or they end up.

You know kind of sabotaging the relationship so moving forward, and I see this more around women that are, you know, mid 30s, early 30s or just pushing their 30s.

They start to to kind of get this feeling, as if I'll never find that person that I can trust and I can fully be vulnerable with so what happens? Is they they end up not being able to be present and um when the relationship looks like it's about to go somewhere and it looks like this person is going to be a healthy option for them, and I see this all the time in the comments section from the women that comment on my fearful, avoiding videos, they end up imploding, their relationship or either pulling away taking time taking space for themselves.

I just saw somebody post about that on instagram too, where they said that they have the ability to just ghost on someone and then reappearing back in their lives and that's pretty much the fearful of what an experience.

Now when it comes to the men, I see a lot of men struggle because they also had some trust issues.

Some violations in the past or as a kid they may have felt like they were emasculated by one of the parents around the house or one of the other parents may have been not around, especially that guys that didn't have their father figure around didn't have someone to show them.

You know what healthy looked like around the house: that it was, it wasn't really balanced out.

You know maybe a lot of different traumas.

They may have been abused now.

This is some of the patterns I've seen from the guys that show up as fearful avoidance and for the ones that you know were anxious preoccupied men in the past.

They end up turning into guys that just um they start to lose trust in women and they end up turning into players.

You know there's a concept that they talk about in the manosphere that talks about spinning plates and they end up doing that after they were someone who may have been a very anxious person and now they're, fearful and in a way that they they um.

They combat that that being vulnerable and being taken advantage of, because you see this all the time when, when women leave and they go in monkey branch or they end up getting into a rebound with someone else, they struggle to sit with that as far as their ego and what they meant to that person.

So that's kind of like a reaction to that.

They end up spinning the plates like they talk about and what they look like to me is guys that are becoming more fearful, avoiding because they just don't want to make that commitment and find themselves in a situation where they have their heart torn in pieces, and what I learned is a lot of those guys.

They have a hard time um recovering from that breakup.

Their breakup is really detrimental for men, because I feel they have the hardest time getting over those breakups women um the fearful, avoiding women, sure they don't have a problem finding.

You know potential guys and it's just a really tough experience for every single one of them.

So what I recommend for them to do use is to make sure that you find yourself a good therapist that understands attachment theory or a good counselor.

That's going to help.

You uproot some of that negative gunk that you had wired into you, because our experiences is exactly how we tend to show up.

So people go into these situations, thinking that they have.

You know the best intentions in mind, but you have to understand that a lot of the things that you do and the things that you say and the way you operate is ran by your subconscious, mind which is responsible for at least 95 percent of the way you operate.

So you can try to five percent your way into you know making this commitment, work or uh.

You know promising this person, something that you know subconsciously.

You really can't do because you're still terrified of you know making that commitment and being able to show up in a way that that person doesn't want to leave you.

So if you found this video of any value, please go ahead and click.

This link right here, where I talk about what happens when you go no contact with the fearful avoidant and you go ahead and like comment subscribe to the channel, if you haven't done so already and if you're not following me on my other social media accounts twitter instagram facebook is, I am coach court.

Thank you guys, and I will talk to you soon.


Why do fearful avoidants fear commitment? ›

The psychology behind fear of commitment

Most of the time, fear of commitment stems from the avoidant attachment style. A person with an avoidant attachment style tends to avoid intimacy, pulls away when people get close, is uncomfortable when others come close to them or with sharing emotions and deep thoughts.

What do fearful avoidants fear most? ›

High levels of avoidance

They fear closeness to their partners and avoid them because of the possibility of rejection. They don't feel comfortable getting close to others. Avoidant adults worry about being hurt if they become too close to others. They find it difficult to trust or depend on others completely.

What is fearful avoidant commitment phobia? ›

Someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style may find it very difficult to commit to someone. They tend to both seek out connection and closeness while simultaneously trying to avoid getting into a serious relationship. Their avoidant traits tend to arise when the relationship becomes more serious.

How do fearful avoidants show love? ›

One of the main signs an avoidant loves you is that they make the first move! It is unnatural to make a move on you unless they are deeply in love with you! So, if they are reaching out, try to play coy and let them show you with attention!

What kind of trauma causes fearful avoidant attachment? ›

What causes fearful avoidant attachment? A person with fearful attachment may have grown up in an environment where their source of comfort and safety was often compromised with fear and unpredictability. This may involve a neglectful or unpredictable caregiver, or experiences involving abuse.

Are fearful avoidants hard to love? ›

Do People With Fearful-Avoidant Styles Get Attached? People with this attachment style may experience negative emotions and a strong fear surrounding intimacy and closeness. This can make it difficult for them to become attached to a romantic partner, particularly if that person also has the same attachment style.

What are fearful avoidants biggest triggers? ›

Take the quiz to find out!
  • Being criticized or feeling judged by their loved ones. Because people with an avoidant attachment style fear not being lovable or good enough, feeling criticized or judged by loved ones can be particularly painful. ...
  • Feeling out of control. ...
  • Feeling like their efforts don't matter.
Dec 6, 2022

What does a fearful avoidant want? ›

People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style want love, closeness, and connection, yet they fear and avoid it. Fearful-avoidant attachment can lead to behavior that may be confusing to friends and romantic partners.

How do you calm a fearful avoidant? ›

How to cope
  1. Encourage openness — but don't push it. People with fearful avoidant attachment deeply desire intimacy. ...
  2. Be reassuring. ...
  3. Value yourself. ...
  4. Define boundaries. ...
  5. Understand your instincts. ...
  6. Consider therapy.
Dec 11, 2019

What makes a fearful avoidant feel safe? ›

Communicating with empathy, using “I” statements, and avoiding blaming and criticism are some of the ways to help avoidant partners feel safe enough to express their thoughts and feelings, as well as change their behaviors in time. “The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said.”

Does a fearful avoidant want to be chased? ›

Fearful avoidants both want and fear intimacy. So they seek closeness. But once they do, their fear of intimacy and attachment kicks in and they suddenly feel the need to escape, and this is when they need you to chase them.

What makes a fearful avoidant chase you? ›

Many avoidants suffer from low self-confidence or damaged self-esteem. If they think you're out of their league, they'll start to distance themselves. Make them feel good and desired by complimenting their intelligence, good looks, or the way they make you feel. If you make them feel wanted, they'll want you!

Do fearful avoidants manipulate? ›

Those who suffer with Avoidant Personality Disorder frequently use manipulation to get their needs met. Perfectionism; nothing is good enough, the standard is set unrealistically high for themselves and often for others.

How do fearful avoidants react to breakups? ›

The fearful-avoidant does not express remorse or sadness over heartbreak in the initial weeks of the breakup. During this time, they're busy avoiding their emotions until they get too hot to handle — this usually occurs around the 3-5 week mark.

Do fearful avoidants ever settle down? ›

Therefore, dismissive and fearful avoidants tend to settle down with anxious attachment types. This results in codependent relationships where the avoidant partner does not want to be intimate whilst the other partner is needy and fearful of being alone. These relationships are very common but emotionally unhealthy.

Who should a fearful-avoidant be with? ›

A fearful-avoidant individual often benefits from the securely attached person's nonreactive, stable energy. At the same time, it's important for those with a secure attachment style to avoid taking the role of "rescuing" or "fixing" a partner who is not securely attached.

Do fearful avoidants get lonely? ›

Studies have found that avoidant attachers are less likely to date or seek relationships. In other words, they are more prone to having smaller social circles and, thus, may stay single for longer periods of time. Avoidant attachers are thus more susceptible to social loneliness and isolation.

Do fearful avoidants have a lot of friends? ›

Fearful Avoidant

They fear being isolated from others, but also push people away and are inherently suspicious. They may start fights or create conflict, but fear rejection. They have few close friends. They may experience “emotional storms” or be unpredictable in their moods.

Do fearful avoidants get angry? ›

Secondly, Fearful-Avoidant children were persistently furious and expressed different feelings through their anger. Thirdly, Anxious-Preoccupied children were overwhelmed with an emotional overflow that they could detach or become aggressive toward themselves or others.

Does no contact work on fearful avoidant? ›

In closing, I just want to say going no contact works with pretty much every attachment style, but it's different for the fearful avoidant. You have to give it that time of three to four weeks in order for them to start to feel those emotions for you again and actually get back into their activated state.

Do fearful avoidants play hard to get? ›

Avoidant people tend to be playing hard-to-get, and anxious people tend to pursue them."

Do Avoidants care if you move on? ›

This response isn't to suggest that avoidant attachers don't feel the pain of a breakup – they do. They're just prone to pushing down their heartbreak and attempting to carry on with life as normal.

Do fearful avoidants apologize? ›

According to Schumann and Orehek, avoidant individuals were less likely to offer a comprehensive apology. Instead, they were defensive, prone to justify their behavior, blame the other person and make excuses.

Do fearful avoidants hide their feelings? ›

In a relationship certain people can identify as "avoidant," meaning they have a tendency to shield their feelings from their partner. The reason behind this behavior is firstly to avoid burdening a loved one with personal worries, and secondly to self-protect from vulnerability.

How do you make a fearful avoidant miss you? ›

Give them space when they pull away.

Avoidants need lots of space to feel comfortable in a relationship. Since they're afraid of commitment, spending too much time with them will make them feel smothered. When they start to grow distant, respect their need for time apart, even though it might be hard.

Do fearful avoidants ever commit? ›

The answer is yes, both fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants at some point commit, but it's a long process for avoidants to get to a place where they're ready to give up their independence (dismissive avoidants) or truly trust you and trust their feelings (fearful avoidants) and commit.

Why do fearful avoidants end relationships? ›

"Fearful-avoidant attachment tells a person that their needs are not worthy of being met, and people will let them down," says Holland. "So they often withdraw from connection to protect themselves from rejection."

Why do Avoidants fear love? ›

Avoidants avoid intimacy because of an intense fear of being used, engulfed, controlled, or manipulated if they share themselves with someone else. These fears come from childhood where caregivers used information to manipulate them into taking care of the caregiver.

Are fearful avoidants afraid to reach out? ›

From questioning different people that have identified themselves as having a fearful avoidant attachment style, they are sometimes scared to reach out because they know that that person might reject them. The person is, in their opinion, most likely sick of them and doesn't want to deal with them.

Do fearful avoidants want you to chase them? ›

Fearful avoidants both want and fear intimacy. So they seek closeness. But once they do, their fear of intimacy and attachment kicks in and they suddenly feel the need to escape, and this is when they need you to chase them.

How do you make fearful avoidant feel safe? ›

How to cope
  1. Encourage openness — but don't push it. People with fearful avoidant attachment deeply desire intimacy. ...
  2. Be reassuring. ...
  3. Value yourself. ...
  4. Define boundaries. ...
  5. Understand your instincts. ...
  6. Consider therapy.
Dec 11, 2019

Is it worth dating a fearful avoidant? ›

Avoidants make up approximately 25 percent of the population, so the chances of finding and dating one is high. If both partners have the determination to work together to become more secure, it can be an extremely enriching, loving relationship—though it will take a little bit more work upfront.

What is the love language of avoidants? ›

Avoidant individuals may gravitate towards Acts of Service or Quality Time as their primary love languages, as these gestures offer connection without excessive emotional vulnerability.

Who should a fearful avoidant be with? ›

A fearful-avoidant individual often benefits from the securely attached person's nonreactive, stable energy. At the same time, it's important for those with a secure attachment style to avoid taking the role of "rescuing" or "fixing" a partner who is not securely attached.

What happens when you go no contact with a fearful avoidant? ›

A fearful avoidant during no contact acts slightly differently from other attachment styles. Going no contact with them can become extremely distracting and often requires a lot of discipline. The fearful-avoidant does not express remorse or sadness over heartbreak in the initial weeks of the breakup.

How does a fearful avoidant handle rejection? ›

Rejection, for those who are fearful-avoidant, can also feel terrifying. In fact, many times this fearful style can lead them to perceive threat and rejection all around them. They have often not developed the mechanisms to deal with loss earlier in their lives and therefore struggle to make sense of things.

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